Children and Divorce

Dealing with Children and Divorce

Divorce is a hard situation for everyone concerned, it doesn’t matter if you are the one who has decided that you want a divorce, the spouse, or other relative – you will all have your own thoughts, feelings and regrets about the situation. Children and Divorce are a particularly bad mix, as the children often blame themselves for your marriage issues and find the whole situation worrisome and confusing.

Parents are often unsure of the best way to break the news to their children of the imminent separation and divorce and what this will mean for them. This article is designed to give some practical, and hopefully, helpful advice on how to make is hard situation easier and how to avoid some of the common mistakes that are often made by divorcing parents.

Children of all ages are far more perceptive of adult emotions then the adults around them give them credit for. The chances are your child is already very aware of the fact there is something not "right" in the home, although they may be unable to pinpoint the cause of their unease if asked. The first thing you should do is make sure you and your spouse have exhausted all other possibilities before you tell the children, only once the decision to separate or divorce has been made should you approach the matter of telling them.

The best thing you can do to help your child get through the divorce with minimal trouble is to be honest with any questions they might have. Explain to them clearly in a gentle but firm manner what is happening and how it will effect them. Be sure to give plenty of reassurance that both you and your spouse love them very much and it isn’t anything that they have done, as children tend to blame themselves for their parents marital issues and may even try to bargain with you in an effort to "save" their family. They may try promising to be good, do their chores or do better at school, whatever they feel they can offer to mend the situation.

Be gentle, but ensure you stay honest when explaining why you and your partner have made this choice, and resist any temptation to blame the other party (even if you feel it is their fault) and always re-enforce the fact that both parents love them. Make it clear with both actions and words that your child will not have to choose between you, explain that they will continue to see both parents, and that both of you will play key roles in their lives and where possible try to keep as much of their "normal" routine intact as possible.

Although the emotions your child will experience will be pretty much the same regardless of age or temperament, the way they handle and express them could be very different. Most children will go through a period where they may feel unloved, unwanted and resentful, but may be unable to articulate this and so instead may appear to be withdrawn, moody and sullen.

It could also affect their behaviour, some early warning signs that your child needs to talk about the situation could include nightmares, wetting the bed, bad behaviour at home or in public, drops in performance at school or even a change in eating habits. If you are unsure how to broach the subject then maybe try engaging them with books or films that cover the situation and use that as a way to open a dialogue between you. If you feel that they may respond better to someone else, you may want to think about a family counselling session to give your child someone who is removed from the immediate situation to talk to. This may be easier for them then talking to you or another member of the family who they may be worried about upsetting.

As tempting as it may be, never divulge more information then is needed to your children about the circumstances surrounding the divorce, they do not need to know that there was someone else involved with one of their parents, or that one of their parents is anything less then the perfect person they envisage them to be – keep these sort of comments for your friends or divorce solicitor as it could cause long term resentment between your child and the parent they perceive to be to "blame" from your comments.

Where possible keep discussions about the details of the divorce away from the children, don’t rely on the "the kids are playing/asleep" to protect them from any heated discussions as their attention may not be as well diverted as you think it is. If you have no choice but to have the discussions in the marital home, try and arrange for friends or family to watch the children for you for awhile.

Although children and divorce don’t mix well, it is something that if handled correctly will have minimal impact on your children in the long term. The key things to remember are to be honest – but without going into details, be supportive, reassure them as much as possible, and keep as much of your normal day-to-day routine intact as you can, as this will benefit all concerned.

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